Sturm und drang. So throw me a donut.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

What Would Jesus Do?

I heard on the news this morning that a small piece of papyrus from the second century has some intriguing words written on it:

"Jesus said to them, "My wife..."

(You can see an article here on

The article clearly states that there's no way of knowing who or what was being referred to - whether it means a woman or the church - but it does raise some interesting questions about how little is known of Jesus' life. There's a big chunk of time missing from the story that may never be revealed to us.

Until now.

Imagine if this small piece of papyrus really is the literal truth...

   And lo, Jesus said to them, "My Wife, she is good. Now I have someone to get me beer during the football games." 

   Behold! The house of Jesus did fill up with love. With the most excellent cooking from the Wife, the Apostles started hanging out with Jesus to nosh and watch Monday night football.

   "Dude!" James said to Jesus. "I know you are really proud of the loaves and fishes thing, but your Wife is a way better cook."

   Jesus nodded and passed a plate of deviled eggs to James and Matthew. Prisoners of hope, they watched the Jets struggle through a dismal first half. John leaned back in a bean bag chair and folded his arms over his chest as he watched the game on the big screen tv.

   "I'd rather be watching hockey. How come we never watch hockey?" Andrew asked. "Remember when we used to watch Satan play for New Jersey?"

   "No one cares, Andrew. Stop whining. We took a vote and even the Holy Spirit wanted to watch football this week," Bartholomew said from the rocking chair in the opposite corner.

   "I'm just sayin..."

   "Shhh!" Jesus said. "Your unhappiness is but a drop in the bucket compared to my delight at watching Tebow take a knee every time he manages to make a play. It's like he thinks I sprinkle fairy dust on him if he's a good boy!"

   The apostles quieted for a moment, some adjusting their robes and elbowing each other for more room on the couch or drifting quietly away to the bathroom to recycle the beer. The Wife brought in another tray of snacks, this time various cured meats and cheeses.
   "Dig in, boys. Man shall not live by bread alone," she said before disappearing back into the kitchen.

   "So how is the married life going, J?" John asked, grabbing a handful of cheese. "I heard some rumbling about how people can't be totally holy if they have a spouse."

   Jesus waved an empty bottle over his head for his Wife to bring more beer from the kitchen. "I tell you what, John, it's no big deal. As a matter of fact, I think marriage is the one of the few things that can make a man grow  up."

   "Grow up? What?" Philip piped up from his spot on the couch.

   "Verily I tell thee, being married is both a labor of love and a thorn in the flesh," Jesus said as his Wife reappeared with another twelve-pack of Hefeweizen.

   The men nodded and swilled some more beer in salute as the Wife left the room again, muttering to herself about the mess they were making on the new couch. "...can't even use coasters for the beer bottles on the coffee table..."

   "It is both a howling wilderness and a pearl of great price and..."

   "JESUS CHRIST!" the Wife hollered from the kitchen. "Are you going to take the garbage out or do I have to wait for you to turn it into something like that ridiculous wind chime you made last week?"

   "She's taking your name in vain," Simon snickered.

   "I told you, that was the Holy Ghost being a smartypants!" Jesus hollered back to her.

   The Apostles looked away from Jesus in embarassment.

   "Sounds like the howling wilderness needs the garbage taken out," Andrew said.

   Jesus stood up and sighed deeply before he left to take care of the trash. "Just one more cross to bear, guys."

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